I'm pissed.

I went to see "Sex and the City" this weekend, after months of anticipation. And I absolutely loved it. I was grinning as soon as I heard the opening credits, and I laughed and teared up several times throughout the movie. I left feeling satisfied and full of emotions that only certain stories and characters can bring out in me.

Now, what is your reaction to the above paragraph? If you're a guy, or a woman who has only heard of the show and never really watched it, you may have just seen the words "Sex and the City," rolled your eyes, and not even gotten this far. Which may make the rest of this blog pointless, but I'm going for it anyway. Sidenote: I'm still not comfortable using the word "blog." When I used my OD, we always called them "entries" - I'm so used to that I still feel pretentious when using the word "blog." I digress.

Let me start off by saying this – it's ok not to like the show or the movie. I'm not saying EVERYONE who dislikes "Sex and the City" is sexist or stupid. Just make sure your dislike is for the right reasons. I'm not one for trying a lot of new tv shows, and I can't think of one I really dislike off the top of my head as an example. But you can be sure that if I don't like something (such as a band or a tv show), I've taken the advice of people who DO like it and given it several tries before throwing it in the recycle bin. I grew up judging things I actually knew nothing about, so I get really angry now when myself or others do it.

I also want to state that this blog isn't about "Sex and the City." To me, it just serves as a perfect example of the way women are viewed and treated. I don't even like to use the word "sexism" – like the word "feminism," it has adapted very specific and strong connotations that I don't necessarily agree with. But there is a certain condescension that men (and women) who aren't "sexist" have towards women, even if they believe they are being lighthearted or joking.

Here's a fact:

"[Sex and the City] opened with $56.8 million last weekend, the highest-grossing debut ever for a movie starring women."

That's pretty remarkable. What I can't understand is how an event that has such strong female support also gets such strong negative reactions when the topic is brought up. Actually, let me clarify. While I have heard strong negative reactions, the more common reaction has been condescension or patronization. Wherever there is conversation about "Sex and the City," you can be sure there will be jokes about shoes, cosmopolitans, sex, or clothes from someone who has never seen the show. Yes, the characters in the show like to dress fashionably, buy expensive shoes, and drink cosmopolitans. But those were just parts of the show – do you really think something could have such a lasting following if it were based on materialism? One of the main problems are people who have never seen an episode, or never really given it a chance, who form instant negative judgments from what they have heard or what they imagine it to be. I could take anything that has a cult following and cut it down to something trivial and demeaning. All Batman does is brood and jump around in a cap and a stupid animal mask. All the Sopranos did was eat Italian food and kill people. Anything can be condensed and trivialized if it is repeated enough. And it's a shame when that happens – people could miss out on the turmoil and adventure in Batman's life, on the drama and intricate storyline of "The Sopranos", or the heartbreak and bonding that is found in "Sex and the City."

Yes, obviously the movie is aimed at women. There's absolutely no argument there. But why is that something to be made fun of? I once knew a guy who gave the show a chance, watched a few episodes with no prejudices, and ended up really liking it and understanding it. Of course, that is a very, very far cry from your average male. I didn't bother to even ask my boyfriend to watch it with me – and I didn't even give a second thought as to WHY I didn't ask him until after this opening weekend passed. But it's due to the fact that even he exhibits the same dismissive reaction to something obviously aimed at women. For example, for the first time in the 1 ½ years we've been dating, I watched some "Sex and the City" in front of him (some 1^st season episodes, a couple days before the movie). He was playing on the laptop, not paying attention at all, but I tried explaining some differences that the 1^st season had from the following seasons, and he just said "It wouldn't make a difference to me anyway" and went to bed.

If my boyfriend, who is generally a very kind, non-judgmental man, can react that way to a show which affects me in a deeply emotional way, what chances do all the other girls have out there? Are we supposed to laugh when men around us make superficial jokes about the show – when we secretly are a little mad and would really like to tell them exactly why they are wrong? Are we supposed to accept it when men roll their eyes or make jokes about the hours-long conversations women can have with each other over coffee or drinks – when we actually wish we could talk to our boyfriends in the same way? Obviously men and women are different – I'm not saying men should be like us or even completely understand it, but someone has yet to give me a good reason why the deeper conversation and connections that women have is something to be joked about. THAT is what makes "Sex and the City" hit so close to home for women. If you think the characters are superficial or shallow, you either don't understand women or have only watched a couple wrong scenes out of context.

"'Sex and the City' the TV series was a revolution, yadda yadda, because it was one of the rare forms of entertainment that showed women in the flesh (and flesh), with all their vulnerabilities, anxieties and intelligence. But when you listen to men talk about it (and this is coming from the perspective of a male writer), a strange thing happens. The talk turns hateful. Angry. Vengeful. Annoyed."

That's the thing about the "Sex and the City" storyline and characters. I'm fairly certain that most women who love the show/movie love it because in some way it reminds them of themselves and their friends. The appeal is not in the shoes, fashion, men, or sex, but in the honest way these women are portrayed. The conversations (whether introspective, humorous, comforting, or raunchy) that the four friends on the show have are, without a doubt, reflective of the conversations most women have in private with their friends. It was the first show that really showed how women bond with each other, how they analyze relationships, and reactions to men – and it's the first show that did all this unapologetically, without regard to whether men (or even women) would find it stupid or trivial. Therefore, at least for me, when men give the impression that they find the very idea of this movie frivolous or stupid, a part of me (which I have unconsciously learned to suppress) feels as though they think I am frivolous or stupid.

And that's the thing – I'm not a girly girl by any means. Yes, I like to get dressed up and feel pretty from time to time, but you will never, ever find me spending money on designer purses or shoes unless I happen to have a couple million dollars lying around and it's something I just happen to like. It doesn't take me an hour to do my hair and make up every day (or pretty much ever). I would definitely hate the show if it was simply about women going around buying shoes and fucking - anyone who knows me should understand that I ask for much more substance from a story. This show delivers on substance that women can truly relate to. And I'm tired of things that women can empathize with or things that make them happy being trivialized or made fun of. And god help you if you're a man who bravely risks trying to understand things that make women happy. Any time I heard talk of a man going to see "Sex and the City," the man was given an immediate verbal castration by all other men around. A man going to see "Kung Fu Panda" is acceptable, but a man who goes to see "Sex and the City" – the number one movie of the weekend – is instantly emasculated by his peers (if they find out, because lord knows he wouldn't tell them on his own).

Another fairly common thing you'll hear when the "Sex and the City" movie is brought up is instant judgments on the female characters sex lives. I've heard "whores" and "sluts" and other random uncreative derogatory remarks on the amount of sex the women have. Yes, in the show the women had a lot of sex with a lot of different people, and some people automatically associate "whore" with someone with that description. But one of the points of the show was that these women could have sex on their own terms, with self-respect, regardless of societies' judgment. The number of people didn't matter – what mattered was how the women handled themselves and why they did what they did. Anyone who actually watched the HBO show more than a few times would understand that instead of calling the characters names. And of course it goes back to the classic double standard - I have yet to discover a likeable male character that has a lot of sex in a tv show or movie that gets anywhere near the scrutiny that female characters' sex lives do.

"'The blog "Women and Hollywood" features telling statistics: last year only five of the top 50 films of the year had major roles for women.'"

The author of the article I've been quoting from also makes a reference to the fact that in most blockbuster movies, women are just the "blinking love interest" – something which has annoyed me for years. One of the reasons I loved the new Indiana Jones movie was because for the majority of the action, only one of the four protagonists was under the age of 40! And the one main female character was actually older, not trying to be sexy, just a sweet and likeable woman. Women in movies and tv shows generally have to be in a certain age range, and look and dress a certain way to be a love interest, and it gets old for me. I love seeing Karen Allen and Sarah Jessica Parker because they are different. Before I watched "Sex and the City," before I knew anything about Sarah Jessica Parker besides superficial impressions, I irrationally hated her. Now my blood boils anytime someone calls her ugly or makes fun of her nose. She is someone who actually broke through the ridiculous Hollywood standard of beauty – and on top of it, starred in a brilliant show with a huge following and became a fashion icon. And yet any time I go to a Sex and the City message board (which has only been recently), I see some remark trying to take away the success of the franchise by calling her "ugly."

Now THAT is superficial and frivolous.

Contrary to what this superbly long blog may imply, I don't get on feminist soapboxes and preach about injustices and inequalities. I think generally we're ok – and I could write a whole other blog about how men are often unfairly portrayed in tv shows and commercials. It's just this past weekend and the surprisingly strong, widespread, and unexplained negative reactions towards the movie (and feminine things in general) forced me to think about why these reactions exist. I still don't know why they exist, but at least I've decided I'm pretty sick of it.

"Fay Ann Lee, the director of 'Falling for Grace,' tells the site, 'The point here is can women open movies? Meryl Streep can't. Jodie Foster can't. Julianne Moore can't. Julia Roberts can't.' But Carrie? Yes she can."

The quoted article is from http://www.newsweek.com/id/139889.

I don't think I'll get any kudos for this one.

Ok, first off, I hate stupid people. Of course anyone who isn't stupid hates stupid people...but I really can't stand them. Self-involved people who splash their personal problems all over the internet in hopes of gaining sympathy usually just become invisible to me, and probably to many others.

The issue I'm dealing with now is how to not sound like that. I have some things I need to say to people, and I don't know how to express how I feel to them, if they even care. See - like that "if they even care" - I don't want to sound whiny. But I've been thinking about this stuff for a while, so the urge to express myself is not going away. Yes, I could write personal messages, but I just don't feel that's appropriate in this situation. I'm stuck at my house, so I can't talk to anyone in person, which is part of the problem. Ok, here's what I'm trying to say...

Is this really the way it's going to be? See, I lived in the Volusia County area for about a year and a half after I moved down, but still worked at Boston after I moved out here, so I was doing the drive and always around people. Now, I knew when I left Boston some ties were going to be cut...but wow. When I found my phone the other night, I had one voice mail. In a month. From Sean. Granted, there could have been technical screw ups, but ever since then the only calls or texts I've received have been from my mom, Ak, Katie, or Adam.

My main point here is that since I haven't been able to drive my car, I've realized how alone I am out here. Before, whenever I got bored or lonely, I'd hop in and drive out to Volusia, go see Teresa or Sarah, or go out to the bars with Molly. But since my ability to drive out there has been temporarily taken away, I haven't seen anyone. Since I left Boston at the end of February/early March, and probably even before that, no one has come out here. Well, I think Sarah did once, with Kyle, when my Uncle was staying with us, but that was for about an hour to see him.

I understand people are busy. I understand ties you make at work can be easily broken when you don't have employment as a common bond anymore, but there are definitely some people who didn't fall into that "work only" category, and more who were kind of in a gray area. Yes, I've been invited to do a couple of things, but it was when people knew I didn't have transportation and then didn't follow through on invites by telling me when, where, changes to plans, etc. I've tried not to think about this seriously for a while because I was making excuses for people, or trying not to throw a self centered pity party for Liz. But it's April 15th. Even people who are busy or who don't have immediate access to transportation could have found time or a way in almost two months. I probably wouldn't even be saying anything if I hadn't done the drive myself constantly for a long time.

So I guess I'm stuck with this idea that, as cliche and stupid as it sounds, maybe the people I viewed as close to me really weren't that close. Maybe it's been more one sided, and I didn't see it because I was just so happy to finally have a group of friends that I had been lacking for so long in Tallahassee. It's not intended to be accusatory or anything, but really...what else am I supposed to think after this length of time? I never expected parties, or people to drive out here every weekend and pick me up or hang out, but just...something. Part of me is afraid to post this, thinking as soon as I do, I'll go back to my main Myspace page and see that people suddenly want to hang out or come over and I'll feel like an ass for posting this...and part of me hopes I get to feel like that ass, because at least that means I was wrong in my conclusion that people might care about me, but not care enough to make a real effort to see me. Or that when I really need someone, anyone, around, maybe I simply wasn't a big enough part of their lives for them to realize that no one from Volusia has been here for me. Once again, not meant to be accusatory, just a personal observation on my past perspectives.

It's not the end of the world. My life isn't falling apart or anything. I like my job, I'm going to be done with my AA at the end of the year, Adam and I are doing well, and I know Katie and Ak, even though they don't live here, are still part of my family. In fact, Ak is moving back here in May - to Orlando! I'm so excited about that - having someone to go dancing or out to eat with, or just hanging out and going shopping. I think she's part of the reason I realized this - she's the one that's always come out here, from Tampa, to see me or Matt. I've seen her more than anyone else, and she lives 2 hours away. I've only gone out there a couple of times in the past couple of years, but she never stops driving out here. I know Katie would be the same way, if she wasn't a 3 hour flight away as opposed to a 2 hour drive. There's always Adam's friends - Atwood/Jen, James, Andy/Autumn, and others. And I know I'll make new friends at work eventually (it always takes me a while to warm up to people, though), and with Ak back in town I'm sure I'll see more of the Matt/Alex crowd. I just wish it didn't feel like they were replacing the old ones.

I'm sure in a couple hours I'll feel like an ass for posting this. And I don't know if that's because I always have guilt during confrontations (my mind almost always assumes I'm the one in the wrong, regardless of the facts), or if I actually am wrong. I'll be afraid to look at comments or messages, afraid of what they might say, but I think I really have to get this off my chest regardless. It's been too long, and I'm starting to think about it on nights when I can't fall asleep. So, I'm going to post this, splashing a part of my personal life on the internet for self pity. Thoughts that I really haven't expressed to anyone until now. Please point out to me some big mistake I've made in this, if I've made one. But please, no empty excuses. I'd rather have no response than that.

I don't even know what this will be about.

This is a rare day. Today I actually kind of like Florida.

I’m supposed to be at work at 5, so I can’t write for too long. But I was sitting outside with the dog (who is currently getting himself so tangled up in his line it I might never be able to get him out), and I was thinking about how beautiful it is, and I decided to write stuff.

Work is going well. I have my last dinner follow tonight and then Monday I take my final and then I’m on my own - finally! I’m glad the training process is as detailed as it is - I would much rather be bored and confident than thrown into something and fuck up. But I’m so ready to be on my own. Training at any job always sucks, though, especially in a resaurant. I always feel like I’m in everyone’s way, and I’m always screwing up...even though it’s all in my head. I also tend to mix up words and stutter when I’m nervous, which makes me feel like an idiot, but no one ever really seems to notice. And I know it will pass. Being so used to serving at Boston, where everything is crazy and you’re constantly running around, this job seems so easy. I know I will get behind, and get double sat, and start running around and going crazy...but it seems like if that happens to people, they’re "in the weeds" for about 15 minutes and then they’re all caught up. So much different than constantly feeling behind for hours. I don’t know, I guess I’ll have a better idea of the job once I start serving on Monday...but I think anything after Boston will seem easier. The girl I followed around yesterday worked for about 6 hours, made about $100, and was disappointed. Her friend consoled her, saying "It’s not that bad, it was kind of a slow night, people weren’t tipping well..." Seriously? That’s just crazy to me. Once again, I’m not saying the job is perfect - everyone loves a new job until they’re in it for a bit and start bitching, but right now I’m still in the honeymoon period. I’ve had time to clean my house every day (not that I have) and do homework (not that I have)...and right now I’m sitting outside in the sun, not worried about much at all besides how I’m going to financially get through the next day or two until I start serving.

I’m not dreading going into work, I’m not scared of getting a phone call from work, and I’m not depressed about not having enough time at home or with friends. Like I said to Matt and Ak the other night, my quality of life seems to have gone up exponentially. If that’s how you spell it. Not being at Boston (and not having Boston as a fallback if this goes south) makes it so much more real that that job took up more of my life and energy than it ever deserved. And I knew that when I was working there - everyone does - but leaving really solidified my belief that my life would be better if I wasn’t there. It was a huge gamble, but it was an even bigger pay off. If anyone from Boston reads this, please don’t think I’m bragging or throwing it in your face, I’m just writing what I’m thinking.. I was there for over 2 years, I know how hard it is to leave. And maybe for some people it is best to stay there...I don’t really know who would fall in that category....but all I’m saying is it was the absolute right decision for me..

I have to get ready for work soon, but I’ll try to talk about something other than that. I had a good time with Matt and Ak the other night. I met them at the Whale, where we hung out for a bit before Matt had to go home and get some sleep. He stayed up long enough to prove to me that he had been practicing at Guitar Hero...and he may have kicked my ass, but there were extenuating circumstances!! First of all, I thought he just had Guitar Hero 2, which is easier than 3...but evidently he had been practicing on 3. Secondly, I haven’t played for months! Of course I’m going to be rusty! And third, I had been drinking...anyone who is anyone knows your Guitar Hero skills go down drastically after one drink. The point is, if anyone hears him bragging about his skills over mine, just remember he cheated. Plain and simple. And there will be a rematch.

Ok, now that I got that dorkiness out of the way, on to other topics. It’s great having more time with Adam in the past couple weeks. We’ve actually had a couple days off together! And another one tomorrow! We might go to Islands or the art festival in Winter Park. And then the day after that is St. Patrick’s Day, which is always fun for me. I only work a lunch shift on Monday, and then I just have school Tuesday at 4, so I’m set. I don’t know what to do, though. Probably end up going to the bars downtown and wandering around, but if anyone knows of anything particularly cool, lemme know.

All in all I’m doing well. I just though of a whole bunch more things I want to write about, but I can’t start because then I’ll be late for work. So I’ll save it for another time. I know this blog was pointless, but it’s really nice to have the time and energy just to write for the hell of it. Wish me luck on my last follow shift...send good thoughts my way so I don’t drop a huge tray full of four hot dishes on an infant or something

On a recent turn of events.

So, as most of you who are in my daily life have noticed, I'm not at Boston right now. I also wasn't there yesterday. I've received several calls, texts, messages, etc., and I figured the best way to say what I want to say to everyone is on here.

First and foremost, I want to apologize to everyone I have fucked over the past couple days. I'll get more into it later, but I do want to make sure you guys know I'm not pissed at you, and I hope you can somewhat understand why I quit the way I did.

Anyone who has worked at Boston for more than a few months, or anyone who has been a close friend of mine for years knows that the place is bad. I've been really trying lately to think of a concise, eloquent, accurate way to sum up what is wrong with working there, but I have yet to figure it out. If anyone wants to work on that and bring me back a great sentence or two, that would be great. Every time I start to list off things that are wrong with it, I feel like I'm making the same generic complaints anyone in the country can make about their job. "My boss is stupid" or "I work too much" or "No one listens" just sounds whiny to me. But...it's true and not exagerrated. Those statements (and many, many, many more) are all more true than they have ever been in another job. And I have had many jobs - so many that when they got into the double digits I sort of lost count.

I think that's one of the reasons I wanted to make this job work so badly. I was finally down from Tallahassee, finally living all by myself, finally completely able to take care of myself...I felt that if I couldn't make Boston work, my life would go to chaos again and I'd never get it right. And that was just the first year. After I'd been there for a while, I felt needed - plus it was the longest I had ever kept a job. Also, when I was lead server, the money was very good. And then after that, I loved the people I worked with so much it was worth all the shit just to be able to help them out and work with them. Anyway, this wasn't meant to be a history of Liz's life at Boston, but I just want to explain why I was there as long as I was. I would honestly love to someday write a book about my experiences there, even just for my own pleasure, but due to my bad memory I don't know if that could ever happen.

Anyway, the reasons why I quit were obvious. Many people have been talking about leaving for a long time (and I have definitely been talking about it more the past couple weeks), so I don't really want to go into all of them. Plus, then this blog would get ridiculously long, and it's just not worth it. My last shift there was the final straw. I've been having major issues with my car, and when I tried to get some help getting a shift covered, I got nothing. With some people, it was in no way their fault. Molly had a family thing she had to be at, Jade had class, etc. But the people who are responsible for supporting us when things like this happen were comletely unhelpful, and, as expected, shifted the responsibility and blame onto others. It made me realize that they really never would step up and follow through on all the promises they've made. I was panicky all afternoon. I worked through my anxiety problems years ago, so whenever it pops up again, I know I have to change something in my life - that I've let it go too far. I did have a good last night (thank you, Bethany and Joey), and I got to work with Sean, Michelle, and Ryanne (sorry Ryanne!). All night I really didn't know if I would be in the next day. I knew I desperately didn't want to, but I felt like I was trapped and couldn't really just not show up. I didn't have another job, but I never had the time to look for another job because of my schedule between work and school - the only time I really got to hang out with friends was at night, and it was generally at the expense of pressing school work.

On my way home, I called Katie...and I guess I went kinda crazy. I ranted and yelled to her for a while. The rants and yells are pretty common at Boston, but the thing is that when everyone has bitched to each other all day, when I get home or talk to my non-work friends I just want to forget about it. Because of this, I never talked in detail to Adam, Katie, AK, or anyone else about all the shit that goes down on a regular basis (even if those people think I did). So, I ranted to her about the events of the day, and she surprised me by saying I should just call it done. Katie is the "put in your notice, do it right, get another job" queen (and has made fun of me endlessly for the number of jobs I've had), so I hadn't expected that response from her at all. But she totally validated me by saying it was obvious I had tried harder than I had at any other job, and it was just time. School, my personal life, and my home was totally suffering - even when I wasn't at work, I was getting calls/texts concerning work (which isn't Molly's fault, by the way, it's due to the way we are forced to make that store run that creates problems every day). She told me it was ok, that it would very much suck to screw everyone over, but it was time to pull "the Liz card" and take back my life. I cannot express to you how good it felt to hear someone say that; I almost started crying. Someone who knows me better than most people gave me permission to do it, and somehow I needed that. I got home, and didn't even tell Adam what my plans were for the next day (I still didn't want to admit to it). Which, by the way, is why when Sarah called him the next day asking where I was, he thought I had just overslept or something.

I know this all sounds melodramatic, but that place honestly had weird control on me. I had never put up with anywhere near as much shit from other jobs, and somehow I had stayed at Boston for 2 1/2 years (except for that small break). Speaking of that break, one of the reasons I didn't turn in notice was so that I couldn't go back. I didn't want to do what I did last time, and then convince myself yet again that it would be ok if I went back. Now I can't go back, and that's what I really need. I know that the truly right thing to do would have been to call/text Molly or Bethany and let them know what my plans were...but I was afraid word would spread too quickly, and I'd let my guilt talk me out of it. So I just shut off my phone.

On that note, I do want to go into more detail about everyone I work with. Once again, I am really, really sorry...well, I don't even know if sorry is the right word. I feel bad, and I completely understand people being very angry with me...but I don't think I would have been able to really get out if I'd done it any other way. So I guess I'm more apologizing to everyone, and asking you guys to try to understand (maybe that'll be more likely to happen when the chaos calms down). Sarah and Bethany, I know I left you guys stranded and confused - and don't think I'd forgotten it was a Sysco day with one cook. I don't know what happened, but I'm sure it wasn't good or fun. I'm very sorry I put you guys in a situation like that, and that was one of two huge reasons I had never done it before. The second reason is obviously Molly. I know she's going to have to deal with more shit than ever now, out of nowhere, because of a friend, and I can't apologize enough for that. You certainly didn't need me suddenly quitting on top of everything else in that store, and the only reason I haven't contacted you since is because I feel so bad and am kinda scared to talk to anyone from there. I think you probably knew what was going on as the day progressed - I had told you I was really close to losing it - but I'm not making any excuses for me ditching you. I know you'll probably not be receptive to it, especially since you're probably working a double on what was supposed to be your day off, but I hope you can eventually. And I hope you get out of there soon. Like, now. It's worth it. I could write little notes to everyone, but this blog is already crazy long and I have more to write about. I love all you guys - well, most of you :-) - and I'm sorry I'm sticking you with an overworked Molly and a angry Pete.

Speaking of my favorite boss ever (Pete, not Molly), I'm not going to go into the normal character attacks on him here...but I really felt like I had done the right thing because of some stuff that happened yesterday. I didn't really talk to anyone from work, didn't listen to voicemails...Joe called me in the afternoon and left a voice mail that I still haven't listened to, and don't plan to at this point. But after class last night I checked my email at school, and I had an email from Pete with the subject "Listen Up!"

I didn't open it. And it felt really good.

I printed out my resume, and walked away from that computer without a single ounce of guilt. Seeing something like that from him only made me so much more sure I had done the right thing, and glad that I did. I don't know what it said, but if it was intended to berate me or guilt me, it's not happening. I don't have to listen to that guy ever again, and I'm not wasting energy and raising my blood pressure by reading something like that now. It's a really good feeling to be able to just ignore him, because at this point in my life he is completely meaningless. That is not to say that the email has been completely ignored...last night I let Adam read it. I didn't let him tell me what it said, but it was enough to get him fired up and ready to take action against Boston Gourmet. I don't exactly know what, if anything, is going to happen, but I have absolutely no loyalty to that place anymore. He's also sending the email to some other people. I may read the email eventually - and if I do I'm sure I'll be quite tempted to post it, but even then I'm afraid I'll just get livid over the same stupid shit I've always wasted my energy on....because I think it's scientifically impossible not to let that man boil your blood and make you feel like you're going crazy.

On top of that, I have a couple interviews in the next couple days, plus a paper to write, plus a house to clean for my uncle tomorrow (I'll actually have time with him now, it's amazing). I feel liberated and happy. I actually needed to get started on stuff an hour ago, but I started typing and couldn't stop. I know this blog was long, and I really appreciate if you sat through the whole thing. I may post more in the next couple days, maybe not, but hopefully you guys have a better idea of where my head is right now. Once again, I'm sorry I fucked the Boston crew over, I love you guys, and I'm doing really well. Thanks for reading.

Cats and Dogs.

Does anyone remember that one? A computer animated movie that came out around 2000? I remember being at Dave's house and watching it with everyone; we thought it was the funniest thing ever.

The one productive thing I've done today is introduce Buddy to my cats. For those who don't know, I have two cats. The nice, pretty one is Emily and the mean, psychotic runt is Maggie. We've been keeping them in a room away from the dog so I could figure out a good way to introduce them. Everything I read said to be patient, take it in stages, blah blah blah. I have tried being patient by letting them see each other through the outside window, taking Buddy in the room on the leash, etc....and it was doing absolutely nothing besides making the spare bedroom unusable because it was the cat's room. Plus, the cats had been not in the best living conditions at my old place so I was not comfortable with leaving them in there as long as we have been. Adam's friend told him that when they introduced their cats and dog they just let them duke it out, and after a few scratches and hisses the dog learned to stay away from the cats. The internet told me this was the absolute worst way for pets to become acquainted. So, naturally, today I opened the spare bedroom door and walked away.

A few minutes later I came back in and cat food was spilled all over the place and Maggie was about two times her size in ruffled fur hissing at the dog. That was a couple hours ago. Nothing bad has happened yet...I keep hearing random pet noises and Buddy runs in and out of the room, but every time I go in there everything is fine. The cats are obviously taking care of themselves yet Buddy has not lost an eye. It's more funny than anything because Buddy is SO FRUSTRATED that they don't want to play.

I guess the internet was wrong.

Buddy is staring at me.

As if to give me a bigger guilt trip for sitting down at the computer to write my first blog on here instead of playing with him, or doing the litter box, or unpacking the boxes that have filled up 3 rooms, or helping my dad pack, or working.

I probably would have done started actually writing in here (as opposed to just having an account to leave comments on Teresa's blog) sooner, except my only access to the internet in the last several months have been on Adam's computer or at work. But now Adam has somehow fixed my old computer so it runs as well as it possibly could for its age AND we have a real office. Two super cool things that make me want to wake up my tired brain by writing again. Even if it's just rambling about things like my computer or the dog.

I just realized this is exactly the kind of thing I used to write on Open Diary, and yet for some reason I'm starting an entirely new blog on here. I guess it's because OD hasn't been cool or popular for years, even though I still check it from time to time. I like that I have an online diary going back to high school - almost 7 years of postings. I am a completely different person now than I was at the start of that diary, so I guess it's appropriate I start something new now.

I really like the new place, as most anyone who is reading this already knows. The deal we have seems too good to be true, and since I've already heard rumors that our landlady is crazy I'm not entirely comfortable yet. But all the moving is finally done, and it is really satisfying to have everything at the same place. My only real stresses now come from two areas - work and my parents move.

I just took the dog out for a minute, and it was cloudy with a cool breeze (by Florida in July standards). I watched a butterfly flutter around in our semi-private backyard, and smelled rain and fresh cut grass. Let me clarify something - I really LOVE the new place.

As I was saying, the two major stresses are work and Mom and Dad's move to Colorado. Anyone who has ever worked at Boston knows the craziness that can occur there. Right now I believe we are in the most crazy, stupid, stressful situation ever - I'm now even willing to say it surpasses the Donna drama. I don't particularly want to go into details as this is a public blog - wait - I DO want to go into details, but I don't think it's a good idea. But there is no way things can continue much longer the way they are. During shifts almost everyone is filled with stress, and if the tension gets mentioned by anyone, everyone starts getting angry and talking about it. God. I just started typing more and realized there's no way I could stop if I kept thinking about it. The point is I'm driving a very long way to what inevitably ends up being a very stressful day. I just want to make it through till Waterford Lakes opens. Then I'll be close and happy and everything will be ok.

As for the parental move, that's not a huge deal, but one of those things that is always on the back of your mind. My mom moved a couple months ago to Colorado, and my dad has stayed here to sell the house and pack up. The house has been sold (last I heard), and so now comes the packing. He's very overwhelmed with everything all by himself, and so my mom has asked me and Sarah to help him out. I completely don't mind, it's just really bad timing. I just finished my move in the past week (in which I put over 800 miles on my car in 9 days, I believe), and I still have so much unpacking to do. Plus I now live 45 minutes away - which eats up my gas money, toll money, and time (did I mention I drive an non-airconditioned car every day in the Central Florida summer), so the only time I'm in town is when I'm working. And because work has been so stressful, all I ever want to do is just go home or relax. I could drive out there today, for instance, but this is the first day since Sunday I haven't had to go out there. And I work tomorrow, and at least 4 10 hour closing shifts this week in which I serve and manage. I need to just suck it up and do it, it'll all be over in a few weeks, but I'm out of mental/emotional energy right now. Which makes me sound like a whiny bitch which then gives me a huge guilt complex. Blah.

As down as those last couple paragraphs sound, things are really good otherwise. As long as I can get through the next couple weeks without quitting my job or making my parents pissed at me, I'll be alright. Once I get started, I get excited about unpacking and setting up our new place. I think even though I've moved far away from all my friends, I still will have a housewarming party and guilt them all into coming. We have plenty of room for people to crash, and a decent sized outside area to hang out. Although I think the last time I threw a real, non-school related party was the costume party at my parents house senior year of high school. But, hey, that was a hit!

I'm rambling now and the washer has stopped, so it's time to go do some more real work. I'm sure I'll be back on soon.

Religious rant.

Before I begin, I want to say this.

I know what it is like to be a Christian. And I know how hard it is for other Christians to believe that I have been there. But it's true. From day one, I was given the teachings of Jesus. I went to a Christian daycare before I was even five years old. My grandmother was Catholic. I was homeschooled all through my elementary years, in a rural area of Delaware, going to church every Sunday. The only summer camp I went to was a Baptist camp, where we were taught how to ride horses and memorize Bible verses.

When we moved down to Florida when I was ten, I was enrolled in a Baptist private school, which I stayed in until I was 13. I was the one who convinced my parents to let me go to public school in high school - not because I was straying from Christianity, but because I felt like I was missing out on something. In high school, I had a closer group of friends than I have yet to discover in my adult life. It took a couple years, but by my senior year of high school, we were the kids holding our own Bible studies, looking forward to youth group, and singing praise songs in a circle during lunch while everyone else ate. I had True Love Waits jewelry, and my nights were spent either goofing around with my friends, or praying and having deep, philosophical conversations with them that I thought would keep us together forever. So before my current observations make other Christians think that I just "didn't understand" or was exposed to "bad Christians," I want them to know that is not the case. I was as faithful as one could get, and my friends at that time were the best one could have. I used to have an Open Diary, before Myspace and Facebook, and if anyone wants proof of my former self, you can go look at it. I have entries dating back throuh my senior year of high school - entries I'm ashamed to read now - and it shows who I was.

Just as an example explaining my paranoia about people not understanding my religious life experience, about a month ago at work I was confronted with a "Christian" like that. Before I had a conversation with him, he was simply a pleasant, nice little transfer that semi-reminded me of an ex boyfriend of mine. But then one day I made the unfortunate mistake of sitting down in the middle of a discussion he was having with one of the blonde, pretty servers we have at work. He told us he was a Christian, saved and repented, all that stuff, which I was willing to pass off. The blonde girl then started talking about how she should go to church more often, but she doesn't, blah blah blah. Christian Guy then starts to talk about his life, and how he could have been led down the wrong path (as she was), but Jesus saved him. Whatever, I've heard it a million times, and I used to preach it more. The turning point was when I started to offer my opinion. The chick was talking about different religious beliefs, and I chimed in as to how I had been raised in the church, and an extreme zealout all throughout high school....and then Mr. Christian said "Oh, yeah, I was the same way...I used to think I was saved until I was about 17, until I really found God."

I was speechless.

I shouldn't have been, because this kid never knew me when I was 17, and if I had been in his shoes, I probably would have said the same thing. But, seriously. Anyone that is reading this that knew me when I was in high school would know there was no one more committed than I was. Anytime there was a Bible study, I was there. I prayed every day to get through daily temptations. I even sacrificed a guy I truly cared about and loved - just because I thought that if God really wanted us to be together, He would make it happen. The majority of my life was made up of trying so hard to please God, and this little born-again shit from Olive Garden told me I was never saved. Wow.

Going back to my spiritual days, obviously, I am not the same person I was 7 years ago. Being an adult, in the world, has made me face the inconsistancies and irrationalities that I tried to ignore as a teenager and cover up by faith. There is no way I could completely explain how I feel about Christianity in one blog - I could honestly write an entire book on my thoughts. And I know this will probably be one of the longest blogs I've written on Myspace, but I really feel like I need to let everyone know who I am now.

I would love to make this a really cool, intellectual, thought provoking blog. However, I have realized that I can only type so many thoughts in a private blog before they become ancient history that I forget about and no one reads. Instead of me trying to incorporate my old ideas into a new blog, I've decided to just quote the points I've been wanting to touch on for years and just expand on them. So here is the first point I thought of a year ago when I started this blog.

1 "Sunday - Jesus wouldn't give a shit about being at a certain place at a certain time every week. He would work like everyone else."

This note has been in my blog for a really long time. I tried to think of a better way to word it or talk about it, but now I'm thinking it kind of speaks for itself. Fuck Sundays. Yes, I used to request off Sundays because of church...but in retrospect, I realize it was all self-satisfying. I got a day off of work, got to dress all pretty, hang out with my friends and family, and worship God, and then go out to eat. I never realized that it was all pretty much for my benefit - and that the God/Jesus I worshipped probably would have rather had me work that day so other people could think about going to church instead. The only time in my life I saw this actually happen through a Christian was at Boston. A girl I worked with named Arianna was talking about how she didn't have the time to go to church, and she was talking to a Christian named Serena. I stormed in bitching about how no one has Sundays off because the Christians always request them off, and Serena stopped, thought, and told Arianna that she would work on a Sunday so Arianna could have off to go to church. That was a couple years ago, and I still remember it as being the best, and only, example I have seen of a Christian really caring about Sunday.

2 "Having a cool youth pastor doesn't mean he has long hair and tattoos. That does not make the man."

I don't even know if this is relevant anymore. I just remember the last time I was invited to a youth group was in Tallahassee several years ago. I had talked to this girl a couple times from work, and didn't realize she was from a church until after it was too late. She started talking to me about her youth group, and how I should go, and before she even spoke the words, I thought, "Oh, god, now she's going to tell me about how her youth group leader is so laid back and cool, and he has long hair and tattoos"...sure enough, a couple seconds later, I got the "how cool my youth leader is!" speech.

I guess now that I'm 24 I don't feel as strongly enough about this anymore...but still. The appearance thing works both ways. You can look "totally secular and cool"...but it still doesn't change who you are inside or what you are saying. Please don't think I am that shallow that something like a permanent ink stamp is going to totally affect how I view your opinions.

3 "Jesus REALLY hung out with the sinners. That doesn't mean you invite your desperate, depressed, lonely friend to youth group because you have "free food." It means you go to the fucking bar and be cool and have a good time. Go to the gay club instead of yelling about how homosexuality is wrong. THAT is what Jesus did."

I know when I was a Christian I used to like to think I didn't judge people. I loved people regardless of their flaws...the only thing was I knew them specifically by their flaws. One of the guys in our group was a "reformed gay," and although I never consciously thought of him as that, and I did love him, it was one of the ways I defined him. I subconsciously judged people all the time - while thinking of it as loving them as God would love them and still trying to help them. It sounds so fucked up now, and may be part of the reason why I'm not as stable as I could be at this age. But, in retrospect, I never loved people that the Jesus I worshipped would have wanted me to. All the church kids get indoctrined into a certain way of thinking and helping people, and if you take a couple years off and a few steps back, you realize that is not what the Bible was saying at all. A semi-recent example I had happened a year or two ago. There's this family I know, a family I became very intertwined with throughout high school and after. Most of them have become very religious, with the exception of one girl who is a free-thinking, loving lesbian. She and her brother (and his fiancee) came into my work a long time ago and were having a discussion about what they were doing that week. She talked about how she might go the the Parliament House (a gay bar, for those of you who aren't familiar with the Orlando scene - and to be fair, she was probably obviously baiting her older brother)...but instead of him blowing it off, he said something to the effect of "I wouldn't go there...you know why." It disgusted me that that was his reaction. Do you really think that would have been Jesus' reaction - if Jesus even gave a shit about sexual orientation? Yeah, I can totally see that god of yours banning Christians from entering a gay bar because he didn't approve. Ugh. That guy continued to disappoint me from other stories I've heard about him, but it still serves as a perfect example (for me) for the self-centered, judgmental hypocrisy I see in the Christian church today.

4 "The biggies I learned from the church (without it actually being so blatant) - no drinking, drugs, or sex. How amazingly superficial. Some of the most hurtful people I've met never smoked a cigarette or drank a beer. And some of the most loving people I know do it on a regular basis. And vice versa. The point is, regardless of your vice, it has nothing to do with character. It's just a physical, obvious thing that people have somehow figured out that they can point to as "bad" and completely discredit someone, because looking into someone's character as opposed to their recreational habits is too hard."

I think this point kind of speaks for itself as well. Throughout my life, I was taught to stay away from physical distractions such as drinking, drugs, or sex. I do understand how this is a good thing in a developmental sense - I certainly don't want my kids getting hammered or having sex at 15. And in that sense, it did work out for me. I didn't have sex until I was well out of high school at 18 (and at that point it was for personal and not religious reasons), and didn't have a sip of beer or become inebriated until well after that. However, I wish I hadn't had the mindset that people who do engage in those activities are somehow less pure than I was. There's a girl that I am dear friends with now who I used to completely judge in high school because she smoked and drank and did drugs (and most of those actions I have come to find out were due to unsubstantiated rumors that I had no right to put faith in). How ridiculous to judge someone based on supposed actions - because usually, if you're juding them, it's based on what you've heard and not what they're personally confiding in you. And even if they are true...who the hell cares. What really matters is who they are, not what stupid mistakes they make, if they can even be viewed as mistakes. At this point in my life, I hope my kids make the same mistakes my friends made, and not go through life freaking out over "bad thoughts" or "disobedience to God."

Finally, the worst part about all of this, and what makes this blog so futile is...

"The church won't admit to it. A "real Christian" will try so hard to rationalize this, because that's what you're trained to do. So many parts of the Bible you discard and have to rationalize because it simply doesn't make sense in the real world (ex. homosexuality and women covering their heads in leviticus). There is simply no way anyone can believe and follow the entire Bible word for word, yet they still quote it as if they do. They then toss it off by saying, "oh, no one is perfect"....but we're not asking for perfection. we're asking for a lack of hypocrisy. It's not a conscious, real thought, but something that a religious person fights with and either a) takes a step back and looks at the whole thing from a humanistic standpoint (me), or b) ignores the inconsistancies and goes on with their life preaching what they believe."

And I think that is what eventually led me to where I am today. Whenever I had doubts, I pushed them in the back of my mind and tried to rationalize it through scripture. Then, one night, as I was agonizing over my future and destiny in my bedroom at my parent's old house, I told God I was done. It was over several stupid situations - most of which involving guys - but I had had enough of praying and fighting and thinking and trying. And I vividly remember telling God that I was going to try it on my own, and not worry about what he thought. If you have ever lived in the church, you know that is the number one bad thing to do - as well as the scariest and loneliest thing to do. And it was scary and lonely. For the next couple of years I faced situations that beforehand I would have run straight to God for - but I chose to follow my own conscience and beliefs. I lost touch with people who used to help me make decisions - for a long time I was literally completely alone after being surrounded by various Christian families for so long. My choices weren't always the right ones - I have made some serious, irreparable mistakes in my life - but as for the ones that really impacted my life, and myself...they were right decisions because I based them upon me and nothing else. And I think that's also what helped me realize I was doing the right thing. It all comes down to choice and consciousness - like the Garden of Eden. I cannot believe what the church tells me anymore, because it goes against the sense of right and wrong that I was born with, and finally had the courage to grow into. If God really wanted us to have freedom of choice, he wouldn't have the church give us such strict outlines as to what is right or wrong...there really wouldn't even be any church, just a communion of people helping each other out and loving each other.

My Utopia is a nice idea, but that is not negating the fact that I had more points that I will just leave as they were originally written...

5 "I am so angry. When I was younger, I was taught that the Pilgrims came to America to escape religious persecution. I suddenly realized the other day in my Psychology class that that is an extremely skewed viewpoint. The Pilgrims were extreme Conservatives, to the point that the European Catholic church thought they were crazy. They didn't come over here for "religious freedom," like I was taught, but because their belief system was so restricting they couldn't even live in their own civilization! I'm sickened to realize tehat this country was founded on conservative fanatics that were kicked out of Europe, and that that is my heritage. Fuck that. I want to go back to Europe with sane religion, I want nothing to do with all this."

6 "Politics. Abortion and homosexuality. I understand the moral conflict of abortion, and although I don't agree, I understand how that can be a hot button issue. But homosexuality? Really? You're going to freak out over which politician gives equal rights to people? And you're angry because it's who they choose to love or have sex with (God forbid, outside of marriage, which you would never allow anyway)."

7 "STOP BEING BRAINWASHED. There is no way the Jesus and God you worship would want you to do the things you are doing and think the way you think. I grew up in the church for 17 years, a faithful believer - I guarantee if you give me an argument, I can finish it for you because I probably used it on someone else in my past. I struggled with the beliefs for years, and I finally honestly believe that there is no way the loving, wonderful God I used to serve would be in Christianity. He would not give us a sense of right and wrong, and an ability to love and discern if it was only within the guidelines of prejudiced men (please, please remember it was MEN. Just because they said it was the word of god, does NOT mean it was the word of god!! IT WAS PEOPLE, WITH FLAWS!!)."

8 "It's not the God I used to worship that I'm arguing against. It's just that I've realized in the past few years that the God I used to devote my entire self to is not the same one that my religion worshipped. At this point, I don't even know what religion or spirituality is, but I know it's not what I thought it was my entire life."

And that's it. Those are my points, my arguments, my beliefs. I know there's no way I can make everyone really understand my experience and how I feel, but those who have been with me the whole way understand. And hopefully I can reach a couple who might not have otherwise understood my point of view. In any case, I'm through with trying to save this blog and make it perfect. I might as well just post it now and hope that those who can understand, will.

~ The Word of God