Religious rant.

Before I begin, I want to say this.

I know what it is like to be a Christian. And I know how hard it is for other Christians to believe that I have been there. But it's true. From day one, I was given the teachings of Jesus. I went to a Christian daycare before I was even five years old. My grandmother was Catholic. I was homeschooled all through my elementary years, in a rural area of Delaware, going to church every Sunday. The only summer camp I went to was a Baptist camp, where we were taught how to ride horses and memorize Bible verses.

When we moved down to Florida when I was ten, I was enrolled in a Baptist private school, which I stayed in until I was 13. I was the one who convinced my parents to let me go to public school in high school - not because I was straying from Christianity, but because I felt like I was missing out on something. In high school, I had a closer group of friends than I have yet to discover in my adult life. It took a couple years, but by my senior year of high school, we were the kids holding our own Bible studies, looking forward to youth group, and singing praise songs in a circle during lunch while everyone else ate. I had True Love Waits jewelry, and my nights were spent either goofing around with my friends, or praying and having deep, philosophical conversations with them that I thought would keep us together forever. So before my current observations make other Christians think that I just "didn't understand" or was exposed to "bad Christians," I want them to know that is not the case. I was as faithful as one could get, and my friends at that time were the best one could have. I used to have an Open Diary, before Myspace and Facebook, and if anyone wants proof of my former self, you can go look at it. I have entries dating back throuh my senior year of high school - entries I'm ashamed to read now - and it shows who I was.

Just as an example explaining my paranoia about people not understanding my religious life experience, about a month ago at work I was confronted with a "Christian" like that. Before I had a conversation with him, he was simply a pleasant, nice little transfer that semi-reminded me of an ex boyfriend of mine. But then one day I made the unfortunate mistake of sitting down in the middle of a discussion he was having with one of the blonde, pretty servers we have at work. He told us he was a Christian, saved and repented, all that stuff, which I was willing to pass off. The blonde girl then started talking about how she should go to church more often, but she doesn't, blah blah blah. Christian Guy then starts to talk about his life, and how he could have been led down the wrong path (as she was), but Jesus saved him. Whatever, I've heard it a million times, and I used to preach it more. The turning point was when I started to offer my opinion. The chick was talking about different religious beliefs, and I chimed in as to how I had been raised in the church, and an extreme zealout all throughout high school....and then Mr. Christian said "Oh, yeah, I was the same way...I used to think I was saved until I was about 17, until I really found God."

I was speechless.

I shouldn't have been, because this kid never knew me when I was 17, and if I had been in his shoes, I probably would have said the same thing. But, seriously. Anyone that is reading this that knew me when I was in high school would know there was no one more committed than I was. Anytime there was a Bible study, I was there. I prayed every day to get through daily temptations. I even sacrificed a guy I truly cared about and loved - just because I thought that if God really wanted us to be together, He would make it happen. The majority of my life was made up of trying so hard to please God, and this little born-again shit from Olive Garden told me I was never saved. Wow.

Going back to my spiritual days, obviously, I am not the same person I was 7 years ago. Being an adult, in the world, has made me face the inconsistancies and irrationalities that I tried to ignore as a teenager and cover up by faith. There is no way I could completely explain how I feel about Christianity in one blog - I could honestly write an entire book on my thoughts. And I know this will probably be one of the longest blogs I've written on Myspace, but I really feel like I need to let everyone know who I am now.

I would love to make this a really cool, intellectual, thought provoking blog. However, I have realized that I can only type so many thoughts in a private blog before they become ancient history that I forget about and no one reads. Instead of me trying to incorporate my old ideas into a new blog, I've decided to just quote the points I've been wanting to touch on for years and just expand on them. So here is the first point I thought of a year ago when I started this blog.

1 "Sunday - Jesus wouldn't give a shit about being at a certain place at a certain time every week. He would work like everyone else."

This note has been in my blog for a really long time. I tried to think of a better way to word it or talk about it, but now I'm thinking it kind of speaks for itself. Fuck Sundays. Yes, I used to request off Sundays because of church...but in retrospect, I realize it was all self-satisfying. I got a day off of work, got to dress all pretty, hang out with my friends and family, and worship God, and then go out to eat. I never realized that it was all pretty much for my benefit - and that the God/Jesus I worshipped probably would have rather had me work that day so other people could think about going to church instead. The only time in my life I saw this actually happen through a Christian was at Boston. A girl I worked with named Arianna was talking about how she didn't have the time to go to church, and she was talking to a Christian named Serena. I stormed in bitching about how no one has Sundays off because the Christians always request them off, and Serena stopped, thought, and told Arianna that she would work on a Sunday so Arianna could have off to go to church. That was a couple years ago, and I still remember it as being the best, and only, example I have seen of a Christian really caring about Sunday.

2 "Having a cool youth pastor doesn't mean he has long hair and tattoos. That does not make the man."

I don't even know if this is relevant anymore. I just remember the last time I was invited to a youth group was in Tallahassee several years ago. I had talked to this girl a couple times from work, and didn't realize she was from a church until after it was too late. She started talking to me about her youth group, and how I should go, and before she even spoke the words, I thought, "Oh, god, now she's going to tell me about how her youth group leader is so laid back and cool, and he has long hair and tattoos"...sure enough, a couple seconds later, I got the "how cool my youth leader is!" speech.

I guess now that I'm 24 I don't feel as strongly enough about this anymore...but still. The appearance thing works both ways. You can look "totally secular and cool"...but it still doesn't change who you are inside or what you are saying. Please don't think I am that shallow that something like a permanent ink stamp is going to totally affect how I view your opinions.

3 "Jesus REALLY hung out with the sinners. That doesn't mean you invite your desperate, depressed, lonely friend to youth group because you have "free food." It means you go to the fucking bar and be cool and have a good time. Go to the gay club instead of yelling about how homosexuality is wrong. THAT is what Jesus did."

I know when I was a Christian I used to like to think I didn't judge people. I loved people regardless of their flaws...the only thing was I knew them specifically by their flaws. One of the guys in our group was a "reformed gay," and although I never consciously thought of him as that, and I did love him, it was one of the ways I defined him. I subconsciously judged people all the time - while thinking of it as loving them as God would love them and still trying to help them. It sounds so fucked up now, and may be part of the reason why I'm not as stable as I could be at this age. But, in retrospect, I never loved people that the Jesus I worshipped would have wanted me to. All the church kids get indoctrined into a certain way of thinking and helping people, and if you take a couple years off and a few steps back, you realize that is not what the Bible was saying at all. A semi-recent example I had happened a year or two ago. There's this family I know, a family I became very intertwined with throughout high school and after. Most of them have become very religious, with the exception of one girl who is a free-thinking, loving lesbian. She and her brother (and his fiancee) came into my work a long time ago and were having a discussion about what they were doing that week. She talked about how she might go the the Parliament House (a gay bar, for those of you who aren't familiar with the Orlando scene - and to be fair, she was probably obviously baiting her older brother)...but instead of him blowing it off, he said something to the effect of "I wouldn't go there...you know why." It disgusted me that that was his reaction. Do you really think that would have been Jesus' reaction - if Jesus even gave a shit about sexual orientation? Yeah, I can totally see that god of yours banning Christians from entering a gay bar because he didn't approve. Ugh. That guy continued to disappoint me from other stories I've heard about him, but it still serves as a perfect example (for me) for the self-centered, judgmental hypocrisy I see in the Christian church today.

4 "The biggies I learned from the church (without it actually being so blatant) - no drinking, drugs, or sex. How amazingly superficial. Some of the most hurtful people I've met never smoked a cigarette or drank a beer. And some of the most loving people I know do it on a regular basis. And vice versa. The point is, regardless of your vice, it has nothing to do with character. It's just a physical, obvious thing that people have somehow figured out that they can point to as "bad" and completely discredit someone, because looking into someone's character as opposed to their recreational habits is too hard."

I think this point kind of speaks for itself as well. Throughout my life, I was taught to stay away from physical distractions such as drinking, drugs, or sex. I do understand how this is a good thing in a developmental sense - I certainly don't want my kids getting hammered or having sex at 15. And in that sense, it did work out for me. I didn't have sex until I was well out of high school at 18 (and at that point it was for personal and not religious reasons), and didn't have a sip of beer or become inebriated until well after that. However, I wish I hadn't had the mindset that people who do engage in those activities are somehow less pure than I was. There's a girl that I am dear friends with now who I used to completely judge in high school because she smoked and drank and did drugs (and most of those actions I have come to find out were due to unsubstantiated rumors that I had no right to put faith in). How ridiculous to judge someone based on supposed actions - because usually, if you're juding them, it's based on what you've heard and not what they're personally confiding in you. And even if they are true...who the hell cares. What really matters is who they are, not what stupid mistakes they make, if they can even be viewed as mistakes. At this point in my life, I hope my kids make the same mistakes my friends made, and not go through life freaking out over "bad thoughts" or "disobedience to God."

Finally, the worst part about all of this, and what makes this blog so futile is...

"The church won't admit to it. A "real Christian" will try so hard to rationalize this, because that's what you're trained to do. So many parts of the Bible you discard and have to rationalize because it simply doesn't make sense in the real world (ex. homosexuality and women covering their heads in leviticus). There is simply no way anyone can believe and follow the entire Bible word for word, yet they still quote it as if they do. They then toss it off by saying, "oh, no one is perfect"....but we're not asking for perfection. we're asking for a lack of hypocrisy. It's not a conscious, real thought, but something that a religious person fights with and either a) takes a step back and looks at the whole thing from a humanistic standpoint (me), or b) ignores the inconsistancies and goes on with their life preaching what they believe."

And I think that is what eventually led me to where I am today. Whenever I had doubts, I pushed them in the back of my mind and tried to rationalize it through scripture. Then, one night, as I was agonizing over my future and destiny in my bedroom at my parent's old house, I told God I was done. It was over several stupid situations - most of which involving guys - but I had had enough of praying and fighting and thinking and trying. And I vividly remember telling God that I was going to try it on my own, and not worry about what he thought. If you have ever lived in the church, you know that is the number one bad thing to do - as well as the scariest and loneliest thing to do. And it was scary and lonely. For the next couple of years I faced situations that beforehand I would have run straight to God for - but I chose to follow my own conscience and beliefs. I lost touch with people who used to help me make decisions - for a long time I was literally completely alone after being surrounded by various Christian families for so long. My choices weren't always the right ones - I have made some serious, irreparable mistakes in my life - but as for the ones that really impacted my life, and myself...they were right decisions because I based them upon me and nothing else. And I think that's also what helped me realize I was doing the right thing. It all comes down to choice and consciousness - like the Garden of Eden. I cannot believe what the church tells me anymore, because it goes against the sense of right and wrong that I was born with, and finally had the courage to grow into. If God really wanted us to have freedom of choice, he wouldn't have the church give us such strict outlines as to what is right or wrong...there really wouldn't even be any church, just a communion of people helping each other out and loving each other.

My Utopia is a nice idea, but that is not negating the fact that I had more points that I will just leave as they were originally written...

5 "I am so angry. When I was younger, I was taught that the Pilgrims came to America to escape religious persecution. I suddenly realized the other day in my Psychology class that that is an extremely skewed viewpoint. The Pilgrims were extreme Conservatives, to the point that the European Catholic church thought they were crazy. They didn't come over here for "religious freedom," like I was taught, but because their belief system was so restricting they couldn't even live in their own civilization! I'm sickened to realize tehat this country was founded on conservative fanatics that were kicked out of Europe, and that that is my heritage. Fuck that. I want to go back to Europe with sane religion, I want nothing to do with all this."

6 "Politics. Abortion and homosexuality. I understand the moral conflict of abortion, and although I don't agree, I understand how that can be a hot button issue. But homosexuality? Really? You're going to freak out over which politician gives equal rights to people? And you're angry because it's who they choose to love or have sex with (God forbid, outside of marriage, which you would never allow anyway)."

7 "STOP BEING BRAINWASHED. There is no way the Jesus and God you worship would want you to do the things you are doing and think the way you think. I grew up in the church for 17 years, a faithful believer - I guarantee if you give me an argument, I can finish it for you because I probably used it on someone else in my past. I struggled with the beliefs for years, and I finally honestly believe that there is no way the loving, wonderful God I used to serve would be in Christianity. He would not give us a sense of right and wrong, and an ability to love and discern if it was only within the guidelines of prejudiced men (please, please remember it was MEN. Just because they said it was the word of god, does NOT mean it was the word of god!! IT WAS PEOPLE, WITH FLAWS!!)."

8 "It's not the God I used to worship that I'm arguing against. It's just that I've realized in the past few years that the God I used to devote my entire self to is not the same one that my religion worshipped. At this point, I don't even know what religion or spirituality is, but I know it's not what I thought it was my entire life."

And that's it. Those are my points, my arguments, my beliefs. I know there's no way I can make everyone really understand my experience and how I feel, but those who have been with me the whole way understand. And hopefully I can reach a couple who might not have otherwise understood my point of view. In any case, I'm through with trying to save this blog and make it perfect. I might as well just post it now and hope that those who can understand, will.

~ The Word of God