On a recent turn of events.

So, as most of you who are in my daily life have noticed, I'm not at Boston right now. I also wasn't there yesterday. I've received several calls, texts, messages, etc., and I figured the best way to say what I want to say to everyone is on here.

First and foremost, I want to apologize to everyone I have fucked over the past couple days. I'll get more into it later, but I do want to make sure you guys know I'm not pissed at you, and I hope you can somewhat understand why I quit the way I did.

Anyone who has worked at Boston for more than a few months, or anyone who has been a close friend of mine for years knows that the place is bad. I've been really trying lately to think of a concise, eloquent, accurate way to sum up what is wrong with working there, but I have yet to figure it out. If anyone wants to work on that and bring me back a great sentence or two, that would be great. Every time I start to list off things that are wrong with it, I feel like I'm making the same generic complaints anyone in the country can make about their job. "My boss is stupid" or "I work too much" or "No one listens" just sounds whiny to me. But...it's true and not exagerrated. Those statements (and many, many, many more) are all more true than they have ever been in another job. And I have had many jobs - so many that when they got into the double digits I sort of lost count.

I think that's one of the reasons I wanted to make this job work so badly. I was finally down from Tallahassee, finally living all by myself, finally completely able to take care of myself...I felt that if I couldn't make Boston work, my life would go to chaos again and I'd never get it right. And that was just the first year. After I'd been there for a while, I felt needed - plus it was the longest I had ever kept a job. Also, when I was lead server, the money was very good. And then after that, I loved the people I worked with so much it was worth all the shit just to be able to help them out and work with them. Anyway, this wasn't meant to be a history of Liz's life at Boston, but I just want to explain why I was there as long as I was. I would honestly love to someday write a book about my experiences there, even just for my own pleasure, but due to my bad memory I don't know if that could ever happen.

Anyway, the reasons why I quit were obvious. Many people have been talking about leaving for a long time (and I have definitely been talking about it more the past couple weeks), so I don't really want to go into all of them. Plus, then this blog would get ridiculously long, and it's just not worth it. My last shift there was the final straw. I've been having major issues with my car, and when I tried to get some help getting a shift covered, I got nothing. With some people, it was in no way their fault. Molly had a family thing she had to be at, Jade had class, etc. But the people who are responsible for supporting us when things like this happen were comletely unhelpful, and, as expected, shifted the responsibility and blame onto others. It made me realize that they really never would step up and follow through on all the promises they've made. I was panicky all afternoon. I worked through my anxiety problems years ago, so whenever it pops up again, I know I have to change something in my life - that I've let it go too far. I did have a good last night (thank you, Bethany and Joey), and I got to work with Sean, Michelle, and Ryanne (sorry Ryanne!). All night I really didn't know if I would be in the next day. I knew I desperately didn't want to, but I felt like I was trapped and couldn't really just not show up. I didn't have another job, but I never had the time to look for another job because of my schedule between work and school - the only time I really got to hang out with friends was at night, and it was generally at the expense of pressing school work.

On my way home, I called Katie...and I guess I went kinda crazy. I ranted and yelled to her for a while. The rants and yells are pretty common at Boston, but the thing is that when everyone has bitched to each other all day, when I get home or talk to my non-work friends I just want to forget about it. Because of this, I never talked in detail to Adam, Katie, AK, or anyone else about all the shit that goes down on a regular basis (even if those people think I did). So, I ranted to her about the events of the day, and she surprised me by saying I should just call it done. Katie is the "put in your notice, do it right, get another job" queen (and has made fun of me endlessly for the number of jobs I've had), so I hadn't expected that response from her at all. But she totally validated me by saying it was obvious I had tried harder than I had at any other job, and it was just time. School, my personal life, and my home was totally suffering - even when I wasn't at work, I was getting calls/texts concerning work (which isn't Molly's fault, by the way, it's due to the way we are forced to make that store run that creates problems every day). She told me it was ok, that it would very much suck to screw everyone over, but it was time to pull "the Liz card" and take back my life. I cannot express to you how good it felt to hear someone say that; I almost started crying. Someone who knows me better than most people gave me permission to do it, and somehow I needed that. I got home, and didn't even tell Adam what my plans were for the next day (I still didn't want to admit to it). Which, by the way, is why when Sarah called him the next day asking where I was, he thought I had just overslept or something.

I know this all sounds melodramatic, but that place honestly had weird control on me. I had never put up with anywhere near as much shit from other jobs, and somehow I had stayed at Boston for 2 1/2 years (except for that small break). Speaking of that break, one of the reasons I didn't turn in notice was so that I couldn't go back. I didn't want to do what I did last time, and then convince myself yet again that it would be ok if I went back. Now I can't go back, and that's what I really need. I know that the truly right thing to do would have been to call/text Molly or Bethany and let them know what my plans were...but I was afraid word would spread too quickly, and I'd let my guilt talk me out of it. So I just shut off my phone.

On that note, I do want to go into more detail about everyone I work with. Once again, I am really, really sorry...well, I don't even know if sorry is the right word. I feel bad, and I completely understand people being very angry with me...but I don't think I would have been able to really get out if I'd done it any other way. So I guess I'm more apologizing to everyone, and asking you guys to try to understand (maybe that'll be more likely to happen when the chaos calms down). Sarah and Bethany, I know I left you guys stranded and confused - and don't think I'd forgotten it was a Sysco day with one cook. I don't know what happened, but I'm sure it wasn't good or fun. I'm very sorry I put you guys in a situation like that, and that was one of two huge reasons I had never done it before. The second reason is obviously Molly. I know she's going to have to deal with more shit than ever now, out of nowhere, because of a friend, and I can't apologize enough for that. You certainly didn't need me suddenly quitting on top of everything else in that store, and the only reason I haven't contacted you since is because I feel so bad and am kinda scared to talk to anyone from there. I think you probably knew what was going on as the day progressed - I had told you I was really close to losing it - but I'm not making any excuses for me ditching you. I know you'll probably not be receptive to it, especially since you're probably working a double on what was supposed to be your day off, but I hope you can eventually. And I hope you get out of there soon. Like, now. It's worth it. I could write little notes to everyone, but this blog is already crazy long and I have more to write about. I love all you guys - well, most of you :-) - and I'm sorry I'm sticking you with an overworked Molly and a angry Pete.

Speaking of my favorite boss ever (Pete, not Molly), I'm not going to go into the normal character attacks on him here...but I really felt like I had done the right thing because of some stuff that happened yesterday. I didn't really talk to anyone from work, didn't listen to voicemails...Joe called me in the afternoon and left a voice mail that I still haven't listened to, and don't plan to at this point. But after class last night I checked my email at school, and I had an email from Pete with the subject "Listen Up!"

I didn't open it. And it felt really good.

I printed out my resume, and walked away from that computer without a single ounce of guilt. Seeing something like that from him only made me so much more sure I had done the right thing, and glad that I did. I don't know what it said, but if it was intended to berate me or guilt me, it's not happening. I don't have to listen to that guy ever again, and I'm not wasting energy and raising my blood pressure by reading something like that now. It's a really good feeling to be able to just ignore him, because at this point in my life he is completely meaningless. That is not to say that the email has been completely ignored...last night I let Adam read it. I didn't let him tell me what it said, but it was enough to get him fired up and ready to take action against Boston Gourmet. I don't exactly know what, if anything, is going to happen, but I have absolutely no loyalty to that place anymore. He's also sending the email to some other people. I may read the email eventually - and if I do I'm sure I'll be quite tempted to post it, but even then I'm afraid I'll just get livid over the same stupid shit I've always wasted my energy on....because I think it's scientifically impossible not to let that man boil your blood and make you feel like you're going crazy.

On top of that, I have a couple interviews in the next couple days, plus a paper to write, plus a house to clean for my uncle tomorrow (I'll actually have time with him now, it's amazing). I feel liberated and happy. I actually needed to get started on stuff an hour ago, but I started typing and couldn't stop. I know this blog was long, and I really appreciate if you sat through the whole thing. I may post more in the next couple days, maybe not, but hopefully you guys have a better idea of where my head is right now. Once again, I'm sorry I fucked the Boston crew over, I love you guys, and I'm doing really well. Thanks for reading.