Ok, first off, I hate stupid people. Of course anyone who isn't stupid hates stupid people...but I really can't stand them. Self-involved people who splash their personal problems all over the internet in hopes of gaining sympathy usually just become invisible to me, and probably to many others.
The issue I'm dealing with now is how to not sound like that. I have some things I need to say to people, and I don't know how to express how I feel to them, if they even care. See - like that "if they even care" - I don't want to sound whiny. But I've been thinking about this stuff for a while, so the urge to express myself is not going away. Yes, I could write personal messages, but I just don't feel that's appropriate in this situation. I'm stuck at my house, so I can't talk to anyone in person, which is part of the problem. Ok, here's what I'm trying to say...
Is this really the way it's going to be? See, I lived in the Volusia County area for about a year and a half after I moved down, but still worked at Boston after I moved out here, so I was doing the drive and always around people. Now, I knew when I left Boston some ties were going to be cut...but wow. When I found my phone the other night, I had one voice mail. In a month. From Sean. Granted, there could have been technical screw ups, but ever since then the only calls or texts I've received have been from my mom, Ak, Katie, or Adam.
My main point here is that since I haven't been able to drive my car, I've realized how alone I am out here. Before, whenever I got bored or lonely, I'd hop in and drive out to Volusia, go see Teresa or Sarah, or go out to the bars with Molly. But since my ability to drive out there has been temporarily taken away, I haven't seen anyone. Since I left Boston at the end of February/early March, and probably even before that, no one has come out here. Well, I think Sarah did once, with Kyle, when my Uncle was staying with us, but that was for about an hour to see him.
I understand people are busy. I understand ties you make at work can be easily broken when you don't have employment as a common bond anymore, but there are definitely some people who didn't fall into that "work only" category, and more who were kind of in a gray area. Yes, I've been invited to do a couple of things, but it was when people knew I didn't have transportation and then didn't follow through on invites by telling me when, where, changes to plans, etc. I've tried not to think about this seriously for a while because I was making excuses for people, or trying not to throw a self centered pity party for Liz. But it's April 15th. Even people who are busy or who don't have immediate access to transportation could have found time or a way in almost two months. I probably wouldn't even be saying anything if I hadn't done the drive myself constantly for a long time.
So I guess I'm stuck with this idea that, as cliche and stupid as it sounds, maybe the people I viewed as close to me really weren't that close. Maybe it's been more one sided, and I didn't see it because I was just so happy to finally have a group of friends that I had been lacking for so long in Tallahassee. It's not intended to be accusatory or anything, but really...what else am I supposed to think after this length of time? I never expected parties, or people to drive out here every weekend and pick me up or hang out, but just...something. Part of me is afraid to post this, thinking as soon as I do, I'll go back to my main Myspace page and see that people suddenly want to hang out or come over and I'll feel like an ass for posting this...and part of me hopes I get to feel like that ass, because at least that means I was wrong in my conclusion that people might care about me, but not care enough to make a real effort to see me. Or that when I really need someone, anyone, around, maybe I simply wasn't a big enough part of their lives for them to realize that no one from Volusia has been here for me. Once again, not meant to be accusatory, just a personal observation on my past perspectives.
It's not the end of the world. My life isn't falling apart or anything. I like my job, I'm going to be done with my AA at the end of the year, Adam and I are doing well, and I know Katie and Ak, even though they don't live here, are still part of my family. In fact, Ak is moving back here in May - to Orlando! I'm so excited about that - having someone to go dancing or out to eat with, or just hanging out and going shopping. I think she's part of the reason I realized this - she's the one that's always come out here, from Tampa, to see me or Matt. I've seen her more than anyone else, and she lives 2 hours away. I've only gone out there a couple of times in the past couple of years, but she never stops driving out here. I know Katie would be the same way, if she wasn't a 3 hour flight away as opposed to a 2 hour drive. There's always Adam's friends - Atwood/Jen, James, Andy/Autumn, and others. And I know I'll make new friends at work eventually (it always takes me a while to warm up to people, though), and with Ak back in town I'm sure I'll see more of the Matt/Alex crowd. I just wish it didn't feel like they were replacing the old ones.
I'm sure in a couple hours I'll feel like an ass for posting this. And I don't know if that's because I always have guilt during confrontations (my mind almost always assumes I'm the one in the wrong, regardless of the facts), or if I actually am wrong. I'll be afraid to look at comments or messages, afraid of what they might say, but I think I really have to get this off my chest regardless. It's been too long, and I'm starting to think about it on nights when I can't fall asleep. So, I'm going to post this, splashing a part of my personal life on the internet for self pity. Thoughts that I really haven't expressed to anyone until now. Please point out to me some big mistake I've made in this, if I've made one. But please, no empty excuses. I'd rather have no response than that.
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